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More Valentine’s Day greetings from All Terrain. We don’t know how things are at your office, but here — there’s just something in the air. Something palpable. A fiery burning that’s too hot to contain.

Unfortunately, it’s not love in the air; it’s smoke. Smoke, not caused by the burning of our hearts, but by the burning of our toast. And toaster oven.

Yep, moments ago, an unnamed and apologetic All Terrain’er just went all literal with the Valentine’s hyperbole.

Behold, the abbreviated and (mostly) true story of the 2012 St. Valentine’s Day (toast) Massacre…

It was quarter past noon when the first faint hints of charred something began to fill the office air. The first to notice it was our Warehouse Manager, Ralph Wiggum, who said “it smells like burning” before coming to rest in the fetal position (artist rendering).

It was at this point that Mike, our Office Manager and the story’s protagonist, sprung to action. After locating the burning toaster oven, Mike wrapped his hands in wet paper towel. Calm like MacGruber, he carefully unplugged the ablaze appliance and escorted it outside. Mike moved quickly and left only a trail of dust. Well… dust and thick black smoke.

He set the combustible contraption on the cold, wet pavement and, fearing the worst, cautioned onlookers to keep their distance.

Thankfully, the flame fizzled and, while the story was without further incident, it wasn’t without a casualty.

“It’s just carbon at this point,” Mike said as he uncovered the unrecognizable remains of what was once a slice of bread. And just like that, “Anonymous” is left only with this smoldering reminder of what could have been:

Fortunately for the rest of us, we’re left with clothes and hair that reek of baking gone bad. We hear that smell is an aphrodisiac.

So tonight, while we’re on our third consecutive shower, we’ll be sure to pour out a little shampoo in honor of those whose FIGURATIVE burning hearts are FIGURATIVELY filling the air with love.

Have a happy and fire free Valentine’s Day!